People have asked me how hard it was to complete an Ironman Triathlon? Truth be told, it wasn't hard at all. Racing is easy, it's the training that kills you. I honestly believe that if you train properly and suffer enough thru thraining, the race will race itself. The race just becomes another day at the office with a few thousand new friends and training partners. The training was tough, but what i've soon come to learn is, what you do after Ironman, is even tougher than the training itself.
I set out to do an Ironman to help cope with my depression and to pay tribute to Sergeant Alexander Gagalac. My loving girlfriend Sally (God bless her heart for allowing me to deal with this my own way) often asked me "So what happens after Ironman?" "What is you cross the finishline and you still feel guilty?" I didn't give it much thought leading up to the race but as i started racing, the thought continually crept into my mind. What if the Ironman doesn't help with my depression? What will i do if i cross the finishline and i still feel like i caused my friend to die? What if Ironman wasn't all I had hoped it would be?
Lets first address what i thought Ironman would mean to me. I had hoped that Ironman would finally help me sleep at night, that i'd feel a tremendous wieght lifted from my shoulders and that atleast, i'd have something in my life to be proud of. I spent so much time making this about my friends death that it wasn't till my actual race day that i said this was for me. This would teach me that anything is possible, that no matter what i was going through, i was physically and more importantly mentally prepared to face anything. To that effect it has. I know if i want to do something, i can do it. But has it helped with my emotions? That i'm not sure of.
Over the course of the last year i've taken up Yoga, Meditation and visualization training in hopes of calming my nerves, making myself whole (still trying to figure out what that means). All with the idea that Ironman would cap all of these tools and hel me cope with depression. Still not sure if it has?
All i know is that training makes me feel better. When i train, i feel better.. i'm not as sad, training has become somewhat of an active-meditation for me. I am alone in my thoughts and at times i actually feel as though i can talk to Alexander this way. This may sound wierd but training was somewhat spiritual to me.
Since becoming an Ironman, i've lost the desire to train and am starting to feel depressed again.. i kept saying monday i will start again. I will find a race, i will train my ass off and i will get my head right. Life feels like it's been getting in the way as college has been kicking my ass lately but tomorrow is the day... I will get back to how i use to be.
I'm hoping this blog keeps me accountable to myself... Tomorrow, we start training.. back to swim, bike, running, yoga and meditation. Lets see how this works out! Alexander i miss you bro, please help me get back to the old me.
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